My Secrets layed bare

How do you think it would feel to have a secret and no one to tell? I am okay. My life is perfect and there is absolutely nothing I can complain about.

This isn’t a sob story; I don’t have cancer, I’m not in debt, my dad doesn’t struggle to support a daughter he still doesn’t know is a college dropout, but I have secrets. It’s as if I’m a scale and the world wants to see how much it weighs, only I have no problems. I shouldn’t be stressed out because I have no external factors to stress over, but what is tearing me apart is my inability to express my deepest fears, wants, beliefs, my deepest anything.

I’m surrounded by good people, loving friends, a family that only wants the best for me, but I’ve spun my life with a web of lies and now that I want to be cleansed of my sins there is no one but God who I can call on. I’m tired of having conversations in my head and calling it ‘introspection’ so that I can make myself feel less psychotic. I don’t mind talking to my savior because, well, he saved me and he blesses me, but The Lord only talks back in signs that are hard to discern. I’m only human and I need someone in my life to confide in, the search for him my favorite past-time. I need him to know me.

I need someone who I can tell everything to and not be judged, only loved for who I really am, but I have everyone and no one simultaneously. They ask me to tell, I want to tell them, but I can’t.